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WHAT LOVE DID TO ME

I have loved you from the first day i set my eyes on you, your welcoming smile made me fought every obstacle just to be with you,your love for me as a growing child made me see myself as a lucky child, you were there with me when i took my first step, your encouraging words makes me want to do better, i did not notice of anything happening around me, i was satisfied with the love and affection i get as a child

Days passes into weeks, months and into years, i grew older and then realize  that there is more to life than i imagined, i get scolded by you each time i make mistakes, the anger from your voice scares me, i made sure not to do anything so as to avoid mistakes that will arouse your anger, when i fail to meet up to your expectation, am been flogged like a criminal, when i cannot meet up with my mates, the words that comes out from your mouth pierce my heart, when i complained am tagged an ungrateful child

Daddy, what changed, what really happened to us,you used to be a loving and a caring father to me, i tremble at the sound of your voice, my face in your presence, my love for you has been replaced with far, i cannot speak up, despite the pains i feel in my heart, these has made me seen myself as a failure, i blame myself for getting you angry, i get jealous seeing applaud other people’s children, you compare me to my mate, you sing their praises to my ears, you make me feel like am a no good

Yes, i know am not perfect, much is expected from me,i tried so many times to do better yet i fail, but my effort has never been appreciated, my mistakes has become music to my ear, you say hurtful words to me, i have waited for so long to hear encouraging words to me, but its not forth coming, in pains i yawned for a hug from you, but you did not notice my pains

I make mistakes and correct them on my own without your knowledge, its so painful and difficult to live the reality that am not been noticed by my father, my first love, you have stepped on my eagle, you embarrassed me in public  and call it correction

I got frustrated, by your actions towards me and the hurtful words that comes out from your mouth anytime i failed to meet up to your expectations, do you know the psychological and emotional damage your words have done to me?  no you wouldn’t know, you completing turn a blind eye to my feelings and emotions because for you it does not matter

I fall prey to men all in my quest to feel he vacuum you left in my heart, they used and abused me, they toil with my emotions, i become a tool for them to satisfy their selfish desires and when they are done with me, they left me in pains and tears to deal with my issues myself, then here am i again, back to square one, lonely, frustrated and depressed,most night i sleep in tears, sometimes i get no sleep at all, all these pains i go through alone graving for fatherly love

I clearly remember few times you would summon my siblings and i for meeting and compare us to others, you map out our mistakes to us, but fail to applaud us for our effort and little achievements which you could clearly see, you condemn the way we dress, speak and interact with others, you choose our friends and makes decisions for us that most times is contrary to our desires

You deprived us a comfortable life style due to your financial instability, you could not afford a luxury life style for us like our mates, you could also not afford a standard education for us, no good meals, we lack comfort and exposure other children get from there parents, yet we never complained and was contended with the little you can afford

We never engaged in  crimes and addiction due to your inability to provide us with the best,  we avoided bad companies that can lure us to doing things we are not proud of, we never disclose your weakness and inabilities to the world, it’s a thing to be grateful for, yet you pay no attention to these facts, you expect too much from us without laying a proper foundation for us, your expectations are too high, you want us to achieve that which could not and when could not, we are considered a failure

You failed us countless times, without you knowing, do you know the challenges we go through on a daily basis, do you know what life has thrown at us, have you bothered to ask how life has been treating, you never gave us the opportunity to confide in you, you never shared our worse moment with us, you never shared in our joy with us over our little achievement, yet i have never stopped loving you, i have never wished for another as a father, i have grown to love you despite your many faults

I know you want the best for me, but you are going through it the wrong way, i stopped feeling loved, your words makes me angry and see myself as a failure, you actions towards kills my spirit and when i fail, i get scared to start all over again, i bear my burden alone which weight is too heavy on me, sometimes i hunger for a call from you daddy to assure me that there is  someone who truly loves me

This is a cry from most children, which parents do not take note, parents should pay more attention to their children, show them love even when they go astray, correct with love, keep encouraging them of a better days ahead

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